Shattering the Normalcy

It was a one month affair. One month of intense emotions. I went through it because it was just that, you had one month left. There was this tension between us and we were suddenly aware of the shortness of time that we had so we gave in. But it was a wonderful and unforgettable month-long tryst.  And there was love and hope that one day we would rekindle whatever we had.

So we stayed in touch. We always had stories for each other. What happened in Rome, in Germany, in Turkey then in China. Months turned to years. Seven years and counting now. It was friendly but filled with longing. We found our normalcy. Me here and you there. Separate lives. Friends.

Until you emailed those words. It broke my heart again. I stayed away and distant because I thought that was what you want. I wanted something more then but feared you might pull away if I say so. I’ve read the line over and over now.

“Secretly I’ve often hoped for a third (ours)”

You should have kept this thought a secret.

Ken Ham is exhausting

OMFG!!!

Hearing and watching Ken Ham debate Bill Nye is exhausting.

Two things:

1. Ken Ham should not be allowed in science debates because he does not debate- he quotes the bible. Creationism isn’t science just because it is written in the book someone believes in.

2. Bill Nye is awesome. “Nuff said.

Business Trips

September through October brought me to new and interesting places.

RUSSIA

One thing that I loved about Moscow is its rustic feel. The city looked and felt old and I loved the architecture.

From Seoul it was a thirteen hour flight to Moscow. Our first day consisted of being taken to  a very far Korean restaurant- then a hotel check in that took five hours. It was weird to see different guards stationed at every elevator hallway. They required us to present hotel room cards before we could go into the hallway and take the elevator to the room every time.

We were there for the Dental Expo and I made it a point to enjoy every part of the trip no matter how hard our days went by. We had to travel using the Metro to and from the exhibit hall for a total of two hours everyday. To enjoy this bit, I did people-watching. It was interesting to look at Russians and their manner in the Metro. Whilst Koreans could no be bothered and busy with the phones or gadgets, Russians have newspapers or books in hand. Most of them are doing what I was doing-Looking at the group of foreigners who could be Japanese or Chinese for all they know.

Business transactions and dealings inside the exhibit were hectic. The problem of having no translator and assuming all Russians spoke English was a clear mistake on our part. There were lost deals because of that. But I still managed to snag a few contracts here and there. The fact that there was a fashion show in front of our booth everyday and had those good looking Russian dudes made my stress more manageable.

We spent the morning of our last day in Moscow touring the sights. The weather was damp and cold and the tour was disorganized. I hated that part. We weren’t allowed to leave the group and I was ready to give the tour guide a piece of my mind when my bosses told me we were leaving. Turned out I wasn’t the only one not enjoying the whole tour experience.

TURKEY

From Moscow, we went straight to Ankara. I (or we) have a meeting with our distributor there. They wanted to talk to us regarding support- marketing and promotion that is. The whole travel to Turkey started with a lot of hassles. First, our flight was delayed. We had a connecting flight from Istanbul to Ankara and since we were running late, I almost rushed past the immigration officer who had to check my passport. Fortunately, he found the whole thing funny and he was smiling at me whilst giving the stamp on my passport. Then there’s the lost luggage. In Ankara, we waited for our bags for almost an hour but it there was no sign of it. When I asked the lost and found counter, we had to wait for another hour just so I can make a report for lost luggage. So without our bags, we had to go to the hotel on our own as our contact has already left. We were literally the only ones left in the airport except for customs official of course.

The next day, still without our baggage, we had breakfast and started with the endless meetings. It was a Saturday and we were hoping for a short meeting then maybe some rest. Turns out the series of meetings would start and would only be interrupted by our trip to the airport to claim our bags. Although it was three straight days of meetings with our Turkish distributor, they were kind enough to lavish us with delicious food. At the end of our trip I’ve had eaten so much meat and I was proclaiming to the world that I was going to be a vegetarian.

Overall, Turkey was an enjoyable trip albeit there were bumps in the beginning. The people we met were all very hospitable. The only thing that surprised me was how similar it was to some places I know in Manila. There were no (or very few) pedestrian crossing and people just cross wherever and whenever. And cars weren’t shy about those car horns. Those beeping sounds never stopped.

Ankara is an old city and I so want to stay so that I could visit the recently discovered Roman artifacts which were all very interesting. This was the best part of the trip for me.

INDIA

India was a shock for me. A good and not-so-good experience at the same time. At the airport, I was surprised at how many policemen were roaming around. It didn’t make me feel secure rather it was intimidating. Maybe it was their purpose, I can’t be sure. Then came the customs issue. We were held up there because we didn’t declare the products that we brought. Of course, we didn’t. I read their policy and decided we could just go by. The products and banners were for the exhibition. The customs official asked me to step out of the line and read the customs policy. I did. He seemed surprised that I then proceeded to reason with him. He didn’t ask us to pay for a huge penalty but I knew that I could at least handle it. So played the charm card. I asked him if it could be settled and we could pay a lower fee. That was what he was waiting. He asked for a hundred dollars, told me to go the policeman and talk to him. I instructed my boss to do it because I don’t want to be alone with any police officer any where. So it ended our customs issue.

Next I was surprised at how poor the infrastructure was. I was expecting something of a developed or at least a developing country. It was a mixture of old and new. New buildings next to a slum. The taxis were old, pay double and you’d get yourself an air conditioned one. The exhibition was successful as there were a lot of interest in our product. They were surprised to find a Korean company there where most of the competitors were Israeli implants.

Now, for the best part- the food. I love Indian food. Love the curry, love the spices. But one week of nothing but curry for breakfast, lunch and dinner wrecked havoc to my stomach. Maybe it was the spices, maybe it was too much food- I don’t know. But I’d still eat curry anytime.

Umm…

Interesting… Whose should I measure first?

Era of sex videos

I just can’t help myself. I promised I wouldn’t comment on this topic but here I am.

Let’s start. This Chito sex tape is getting quite old. I’ve only seen it in the news a few days ago (cuz I rarely pay attention to Pinoy news). There’s apparently a video of their sexual encounter. Someone stole his hard drive and uploaded it online. Voila – they’re a news item. And he’s now got the police involved.

Okay. Comments, anyone?

1. The hard drive was stolen? Really? That’s so outdated. Ain’t that been done and used dozens of times before? Good marketing  and publicity tool I’d say. So who benefits? Is it Chito? But he’s already well-known. So his partner then – whatever her name is. See, it’s her. Cuz now people will know who she is. I still don’t know her. Heard from friends she’s some kind of artista. Not famous at the moment. Well, look at that huh? Goood timing!

2. Couples who make sex videos and complain when they go online are fools. Don’t they know the cardinal rule of the digital age? Everything is recorded and shared. Nothing is private. You don’t want this kind of scandal? Then don’t make one. Private you say? Stupid fools. What era is this?

3. Now you get the NBI involved. Seriously? Has the crime and corruption in the Philippines gotten down to a very low level that the police force has nothing better to do than investigate your mess-up?

I’ll shut up now.

Ugly Side of Parenting

Slooww day at work left me clicking through sites such as PEP. That site seems so quiet when Kris Aquino isn’t in the headlines. Which is how I like it. LOL.

But then their Sunshine Cruz article screams for attention. First of all, catchy title with the mention of rape. Marital Rape- for that matter. They are still married, right? Wait, they are separated but still married and it makes this case really confusing. They’re not living together but Cesar was able to get inside her house and raped her. But as you read on, you might find the reason for the debacle. Children. She’s complaining that Cesar has taken their three kids and that she misses them.

She’s still not getting an annulment though. After what she’s “been through”, she files a case for rape first. One case at a time, she said.

I don’t get it. She separates from her philandering, domineering and abusive husband and she doesn’t file for a divorce or annulment? Then she scream for rape when he won’t give her kids back? And why does everything have to be in the news? Sure they’re all “artistas” and such, but do they really have to blab about it in the press?

One day those kids will read those headlines. ‘Mom was raped, Dad was abusive’. What a nice family they got.

Understanding the Depressives

I touched the subject of depression quite a few times before. Once again I found myself writing about it. I had just read Stephen Fry’s disclosure of his suicide attempt. I also read Alistair Campbell’s commentary on Fry’s revelation. They both mentioned and tried to explain how and what depression is. It’s not something that one can overcome on one’s own. It is a disease and it afflicts people whatever your standing in life is. You may be surrounded by people who love you yet still have suicidal thoughts often. You may have everything in the world, yet deep inside there’s unexplained pain. Whenever I read about someone committing suicide I think to myself how agonizing they must be feeling to succumb to the thought. Suicide is the escape that the depressed has. It’s the way to stop the pain.

Those who do not suffer from this affliction may never understand. The depressed does not consciously choose to be down, melancholic or even in physical pain. It is there. We consciously fight to get rid of it. But it is there. A voice haunting from the inside.

I used we in sentence above. During my depression, I think of ways to end myself day in and day out. Sometimes those thoughts became so powerful and I would try. A neurologist diagnosing my migraine asked me if I was depressed. I answered I don’t know. Without my knowledge, he prescribed an anti-depressant which he hoped would help. It worked the opposite. My suicidal thoughts become more frequent and bolder. I even tried cutting myself. I haven’t tried any other medication for my depression after that. I am aware of clinics where I can go to if I feel that my depression is getting severe. I talk to my family and friends and open up about the issue. That way, if I do succumb to the pain, they will not be as surprised. Hurt, disappointed or betrayed -yes.

Stephen mentioned in the article that he’s okay when he’s writing or doing something. The same is true in my case. When I’m writing, I don’t think about it. Or if I do think about it – I write. About depression, about life or about anything. I just have to write.

So maybe that’s why I started writing again. 😦

Facebook Absurdities

I’m writing my thoughts here and not on Facebook. Just because I know I’d get in trouble when I post my thoughts there. Well, those troubles don’t bother me – but I gotta restrain my bitchiness for the sake of the fam who can see my feed.

So, let’s start!

1. There are girls (and guys) who just love selfies. I do it too especially during my “luvin-myself” moments. We love our faces. We like seeing the magic of the camera filters and make our faces slightly (or a lot, in the case of others) better than usual. But on my Facebook feed, there is this one person who LOVES to post selfies. That’s what she does almost everyday. My problem? I don’t know how to react. I know that I don’t like her – not personally – just the face (lol!). When she posts selfies (one by one -mind you- and it crowds my Facebook feed) my initial reaction is curiosity. In a “What now?” kind-of-way. Next is annoyance. It’s the same photo, in slightly different angles over and over again.  I’m so tempted to say “seriously? you think those are pretty photos of you?”. After being annoyed I’m tempted to hide her profile so I won’t see her on FB. That’s the rational thing to do, right? You don’t like what you see there so you hide their faces – plain and simple. Here’s why I haven’t hidden her profile (yet). She makes me laugh. In a “damnthestupid” kind of way. I remind myself that her facebook adventures make me laugh. In my bitchy moments when I need to belittle someone to make myself feel better, I look at her and I smile. How pathetic – you might say. I ain’t no good girl. I have moments caused by stress or whatever and I find things to relieve that stress. Her fugly face is one of them. Okay okay- I’m stopping now.

2. GRAMMAR- IF you’re not sure – tagalugin na lang… Or double, triple check before posting. Typos or few grammar slip-ups cannot be avoided BUT when the entire message is riddled with grammar fuck-ups, I get annoyed. I am SO tempted to correct them – or leave some nasty comments. Been in trouble in the past because of this and I learned from it. So what do I do about it? Hide – that’s one feature of Facebook that has worked so well in my favor.

3. TMI – There are just people who do not know when to stop sharing or tell people what they’re doing. I have read a number of posts about things that should have been written somewhere else. And again – the Hide function was my solution.

4. Nasty Videos and Photos – I hate when people post nasty (sex) videos and photos. Sure it will be taken down eventually but I won’t “unsee” it. I don’t need to see those stuff. I’ll google it when I want to. Don’t serve it to me on a public site.

That’s it for now. You might see part two when I get annoyed (again!).

Eleven Years and counting…

Two days short of the eleventh year, here I am again- online-  searching for shadows of you. How is it possible that I still miss you, despite the years that passed by. We were a shadow, our love was an illusion that should not have been there.

I still think it is selfish of you to leave – five years ago when you did. Should I blame the god that you believe in for taking you so early? Should I blame the disease that you had? Should I have insisted on the cure that we discussed many years ago?

All I can do now is read your messages, the poems that you wrote for me. They’re all that I have. I have no more tears yet my heart still aches.

I am scarred. With you, I believed there is such a thing as love. Now I cringe every time I hear the word.

Eleven years to the day – I will never forget this line- “Hi. I’ve been waiting for you”

Where is my muse?

I miss writing. I miss poetry.

Revisiting my old poems and blogs makes me reminisce the good old days. Back when I was “so into” writing.

I miss the times when I was just so inspired that I’d go and write my thoughts anywhere I am.

 

200th!

Wow! Just 200 posts? i thought I had written more. And to think I told myself that I’d be writing everyday – starting whenever that was.

So what’s new? Life! Freakin’ life is starting to feel like – well- life! I’m in the process of removing all unnecessary stress in my life! All of them! Oh, plus, I love my job. Don’t know how long I’d last but I gotta enjoy til I can. I just have to keep telling myself that in the morning. Mornings are still the hardest but hey, I haven’t missed a day at work. That’s new!

Another year’s about to start. Is a resolution in the works? Should I even bother when I know I’ll break them soon as the new year passes? LOL

Anyways, I’m just rambling here… De-stressing before I start to stress myself again to death.

Walton Goggins

My new favorite man transformed into this lovely woman with a to-die for ass

Women

I dare say – Women are stupid at some level. Some choose to be blind – for the sake of what? financial security? romanticism?

For whatever reason – what makes me forget my anger is knowing that I’ll be a ghost in your lives. The one part that would haunt you both. Now, that’s fair.

Ima Writer!!

Well look at that, I’m officially a writer!.. Been at the new job for a month now, and I finally feel that I would like to continue with this job.

There was hesitation during the first few days – weeks rather… I didn’t know how long I’d last because of the long commute and the overtimes. But I stuck to it because I love writing. I love the challenge. I love seeing my thoughts on paper.

I’d still have to get used to the morning traffic and the commute. And I’d have to get used to annoying and arrogant office mates. All part of the job huh..

At least I love my job and that’s what makes it worth all the stress and everyday migraine.

 

Work!!

What I need right now is motivation and a reason to get excited to go to work. Mornings are just soooo hard. Waking up and forcing one’s self to get ready is so taxing.

I tell myself that I need to pay the bills, send money back home and hopefully have enough to at least save some of it… Damn, saving doesn’t happen. Something always comes up! And of course, I always end up taking care of things.

So maybe that should be a motivation but it’s not! Again, I need, need, need! a reason to come to work. Agh!

Busy Bee

Got seminar until today – Global marketing, negotiations and contracts. Seems like a lot of information to absorb in 3 days especially since I know little about the topic. Up until now “go-with-the-flow” is how I have handled clients and bosses’ demands.

Now that I have managed to schedule a meeting (in between seminars) with a top outsourcing-marketing firm in Taiwan and Hong Kong, the bosses expect me to come back to the office, finish the translations and answer relevant emails.

I gotta ask, “Where’s the time?” Goddamn I’m so freakin’ tired. Add the factor that I got an offer from another company to be the head of Logistics Team. Decisions, decisions!!

Sigh. Well, at least it’s the weekend!! Let’s have some fun!

Work

The office keeps me sane, having things to do and accomplish takes my mind off the hassles and the lying bitches around. But on days like these when I gotta translate 42 pages of research, I just wanna go home and sleep.

Thailand

So there we have it, I was finally able to get the Thailand team to agree for a meeting. Great for my career, damn exhausting and terrifying too. Gotta do lotsa presentation preparation and practice.

Work, work, work!! Can I have time for something else, like maybe sleep??

Birthday!!

First time to have a surprise party for me at work. Guess I must be doing something good here huh?

Coffee and waffle

On days when I had to have injections for allergies and my reproductive malfunctions – this is my “day saver”. Freshly brewed coffee and HoneyNut Waffle at Caffe Bene. It’s just wonderful to sit around and contemplate what the hell is going on in one’s life…

Coffee!!!!