Archive for the ‘personal’ Category

Coffee and waffle

Posted: August 14, 2011 in korea, personal

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On days when I had to have injections for allergies and my reproductive malfunctions – this is my “day saver”. Freshly brewed coffee and HoneyNut Waffle at Caffe Bene. It’s just wonderful to sit around and contemplate what the hell is going on in one’s life…

Coffee!!!!

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Removing the Unreproductive

Posted: September 19, 2010 in personal, science, women

“Insights about hysterectomy from a possible candidate”

My troubles started in 2003.  At least my confirmed troubles did. Before that, I didn’t have the time nor the money to indulge my aching parts. I had laparoscopy to remove an ovarian cyst seven years ago. They said it was benign but they had to remove the ovary as well because the cysts were spread out. It was either removing the ovary or just the cyst which could have taken a lot of time which would have had the risk of me bleeding out. It was a decision they did on their own, I wasn’t consulted and I was not even made aware of until I confronted the hospital with it.

I’ve lived with the on and off pain after that until late last year when they finally had a diagnosis. ENDOMETRIOSIS.  Apparently 1 in 10 women get the disease. There is no cure for it but can be treated. Basically the lesions develop and can be found anywhere inside the body, typically along the pelvic area. And as usual, in my case, my lesions developed not along the typical area. I had surgery last year to remove a lesion which was under the muscle tissues on my lower abdomen. It had to be removed because there was a blood clot that could cause internal bleeding, the doctor said.

One of the options or procedures discussed with me was HYSTERECTOMY. If things would go wrong, if I bled out or if the lesions were scattered, the doctor wanted to know if I was okay with having my uterus removed. I was like “yeah, whatever”.  I didn’t know anything about that procedure, all I could think of was ending the pain and whatever was ailing me.

Now after reading some article, googling and seeing photos online, I changed my mind. Unless my life is hanging in the line, unless there are no other available options, I would not want that procedure.

There are two types of hysterectomy: abdominal (subtotal and total) and vaginal.

Subtotal abdominal

In a subtotal hysterectomy only the uterus is removed while the cervix is left intact.

Total Abdominal

In a total abdominal hysterectomy the uterus and the cervix are removed.

Vaginal

A vaginal hysterectomy is always complete, it is impossible to leave the cervix. The vagina is opened into the peritoneal cavity by cutting around the cervix and than pulling the womb down through the vagina. The walls of the vagina are very elastic. and can stretch wide enough.

Hell, I don’t want any kind of those. But what if it’s the only option on the table? Gawd naw! That last type, the vaginal hysterectomy looks especially nasty! Damn!

badass and bullshits

Posted: September 14, 2010 in personal, tv

I waited, I saw, I got peeved.

Your badass shit’s starting to annoy me. The qualities that I once found amusing are getting on my nerves. The nights were special. And it’s time to bury it.

Now, about the real badass, Jax is gawddamn hot! More nude scene I say! Uh umm! I always enjoy their bike parades. Harleys on the road – always a beautiful sight. It made me miss home!

On this day, eight years ago

Posted: September 10, 2010 in personal

“Hey, I’ve been waiting for you”

I could not forget that line. Who knew that it would lead to six years of friendship?

He was a writer, a lost soul who was trying to get back to something he loved doing. Poetry. I was lost. Period. I found comfort in reading poems.

So we met, in a chatroom. No names, no faces. Total anonymity. It was danger right from the beginning. Intimacy without proximity. We shared our love of words. He was my mentor. He took pride in my achievements in terms of writing. Poetry was our soul. We hid secret messages in every piece. The real meaning was known only to us. It was us.

Friendship was our purpose. To be someone’s emotional crutch when we needed. At it was that. In the beginning. Soon we found our ability to laugh at simple things, our nonsensical banter, our anonymity, led to only one thing. Emotional connection. He rationalized and tried hard to fight and explain what it was we had. He failed. In the end, he conceded, to love. It was it, he said. He couldn’t fight it any longer. He admitted defeat. To love. And to life.

Three years after we started talking almost every night, I sensed something was wrong. He was ocean’s away yet I felt it. I asked. And I cried. He had leukemia. He cursed at life. It wasn’t fair, he said. He loved life. And he loved me. But it had to end, he said.

Still,with his condition, we found time- or rather we made time, to be together. In the way we knew how. Poetry. He wrote as much as he can ’cause he knew he had little time left. There were days when he wouldn’t show up and I was afraid something had happened to him. He’d come back after days or weeks of leaving me frantically worried, still alive. He’d been to the hospital. Fighting for his life.

During those moments I had wished only one thing. That I was next to him. To be able to read or write poetry for him. To tell him that it was okay to hope. To wish that his life not be taken away soon. He said he wished I was with him, holding him, to ease his pain. It continued for another 3 years.

“Are you still alive” I asked. I haven’t heard from him for two weeks.

“He died last week. Found him passed out on his desk, laptop open. He didn’t make it.”

I cried. All day. I still do. I have never known pain that way. I never believed I would be that affected. I knew it would end. I was prepared.

I wasn’t. I still miss  him. I miss my friend. I miss my love. I still cry. He shouldn’t have died. How many more poems would I write about him? I don’t know.

On Fatherhood, from a mom

Posted: August 11, 2010 in personal

What is a child to a father and what is a father to a child?

Biologically speaking, a child is proof that evolution is at work. Being able to continue one’s genes is a “miracle” in itself. So a child is a trophy to a father. He can proudly tell the world that there’s another part of him in this world. A child is a gift, no matter what. The moment you see their first smile, the moment they held your hand, you are charmed. A father cannot escape that captivity.

A father is the world to a child. He is the guide that gives them directions. His is the voice that a child wants to hear when it is lost. He is the powerful force that a child wants to emulate when he grows up.

When a child grows up in a fatherless home, he or she either turns up to be a strong, independent one or an insecure, low self-esteem individual. Although you won’t see it right away. Kids will try to hide the effect it had on them. A child would either turn up (or seek) the same or exact opposite of their father. Psychology 101. You either attract or repel that which has the most effect on you.

So when a father is missing in a child’s life, how does it affect both of them? There are fathers out there who would do anything and everything once their child is taken away from them. Nothing is impossible in order to have their precious ones in their arms again, completely or at least in their lives, even if it’s just a few days in a week. And there’s the opposite. There are those who couldn’t care less if they have the child or not. They would give you shallow and even selfish reasons as to why they didn’t even fight.

I never understood and (I don’t think I ever will) how a father can just give up on his own flesh and blood. I can try to rationalize and pretend to accept that maybe they just have a weak personality and fighting for their child is just not worth it. That maybe they’d say that a mother can better take care of her young (true, btw) so they leave, be at peace and one day have a “life”.

Where does the child fit in?

Haunted

Posted: July 30, 2010 in personal

Can we ever escape our past?

Is the present even real?

Will the future be worth all the pain?

What if you look at the horizon and all you see is darkness? What if the crimson sun that used to be there is hiding too?

What if you every time you plan for the future something comes up and everything turns into a blur?

What do you do when the people around you think everything’s ok? How do you tell them that it isn’t?

I’m tired (emotionally). I’ve been tired for years now. It’s time to let myself cry and stop pretending I’m okay or that I’m gonna be. I don’t know if I ever will unless I accept the fact that I am not well.

I can only pretend to be strong for so long.

When and how do I remove the mask that I have had for so long?

FOUND IT!!!!!!! After a sleepless night, my cousin remembered and found it online.

CAN’T EXPRESS HOW MUCH I LOVE THIS SONG.

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More than ten years ago, a really gorgeous (and hot!!) Japanese gave me a mixed tape. I brought it back home to Manila and after abusing it (yeah!) meaning playing the tape all day long everyday for months (I’m not exaggerating), I lost the tape or it finally gave up on me, I’m not sure which. The point is- the tape’s gone and I’ve been left to wonder what the song titles were. I knew it then, but of course, with my ever failing memory, I soon forgot.

A friend of mine posted a video of her favorite Japanese song and I asked her to find “the song that Maki (his name just came to me now as I’m typing) used to sing a lot”.

She couldn’t remember also but tried to give me a song she remembered. It was close. So I did what I had to do. Kick start my OCD and kept clicking and clicking on links and Voila! I found 4 of the songs from the mixed tape. I’m sure of that. I still haven’t found my favorite. I will not stop until I do.

Found another one. I used to have this CD, wonder where it went.

I’m getting close…

For some reason I thought the title was “dakishimetai” by Mr. Children because it’s one title that kept popping into my head but alas, still not the one I’m looking for. I loved this song too and this was also in the mixed tape.