Understanding the Depressives

Posted: August 9, 2013 in Uncategorized
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I touched the subject of depression quite a few times before. Once again I found myself writing about it. I had just read Stephen Fry’s disclosure of his suicide attempt. I also read Alistair Campbell’s commentary on Fry’s revelation. They both mentioned and tried to explain how and what depression is. It’s not something that one can overcome on one’s own. It is a disease and it afflicts people whatever your standing in life is. You may be surrounded by people who love you yet still have suicidal thoughts often. You may have everything in the world, yet deep inside there’s unexplained pain. Whenever I read about someone committing suicide I think to myself how agonizing they must be feeling to succumb to the thought. Suicide is the escape that the depressed has. It’s the way to stop the pain.

Those who do not suffer from this affliction may never understand. The depressed does not consciously choose to be down, melancholic or even in physical pain. It is there. We consciously fight to get rid of it. But it is there. A voice haunting from the inside.

I used we in sentence above. During my depression, I think of ways to end myself day in and day out. Sometimes those thoughts became so powerful and I would try. A neurologist diagnosing my migraine asked me if I was depressed. I answered I don’t know. Without my knowledge, he prescribed an anti-depressant which he hoped would help. It worked the opposite. My suicidal thoughts become more frequent and bolder. I even tried cutting myself. I haven’t tried any other medication for my depression after that. I am aware of clinics where I can go to if I feel that my depression is getting severe. I talk to my family and friends and open up about the issue. That way, if I do succumb to the pain, they will not be as surprised. Hurt, disappointed or betrayed -yes.

Stephen mentioned in the article that he’s okay when he’s writing or doing something. The same is true in my case. When I’m writing, I don’t think about it. Or if I do think about it – I write. About depression, about life or about anything. I just have to write.

So maybe that’s why I started writing again. 😦

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